By Laurra Pama
This article was first published on the Facebook page of The Bosun on November 2, 2022.
A close friend recently confessed something really interesting to me. She said she was tired of clinging to familiarity. She wanted a change but wasn’t sure if she could handle it. I sympathized with her. Moving to the bustling and sleep-deprived capital of the country was an assault on our provincial senses. I don’t blame her for clinging to familiar people as a way to cope with such a big change. Familiarity is like a safety net preventing us from falling overboard. However, the downside is that relying on the net too much can make us overestimate the water’s depth. Even in college, my friend admitted that she still hung out with the same people with whom she went to high school. There’s nothing wrong with that. We trust those with whom we are familiar. In familiarity, we are comfortable and safe. Though, over time, this could become a problem. In our comfort, we choose the path we recognize and eventually avoid relinquishing predictability and peace of mind for something uncertain. Sooner or later, we reach the point where we become suffocated by the familiarity to which we hold on.
But there is a way out.
Venture out of your comfort zone (gradually).
It might sound like something every naturally extroverted person would say. But, it is true. Getting out of your comfort zone is always the first step toward growth. Felder (2021), in his article “Familiarity as a practical sense of place,” highlights that familiarity or having a practical sense of place in any environment results in “comfort zones”— situations you feel safe expressing yourself in because you already know what outcomes or reactions to expect. In these comfort zones, you develop a sense of trust. The issue with this view, according to Felder (2021), is that this trust is fragile. Changes from what one is normally accustomed to can make a person extremely vulnerable to intense feelings of discomfort and anxiety, such as when your only friend in a class is absent or when you transfer to a new city by yourself. Feeling anxious, concerned, or uncomfortable is only natural in both situations. Situations like these will challenge you to venture out of your comfort zone.
Take this opportunity to make slight changes to your routine. Randomly ask the person next to you how they feel about the class, or try walking around the block of your condo or apartment. Don’t let yourself be held back by fear and anxiety. It doesn’t mean that you should cut those feelings out entirely, but instead of dwelling on them, think instead of all the things that could go right. You might even discover that the person next to you shares the same struggles, or that there’s a Tropical Hut branch 500 meters away from your condo. Reward yourself for these small achievements. Remember that you don’t have to make drastic changes to get out of your comfort zone. Each small step is a sign of progress toward growth.
Set clear and effective boundaries.
After taking that first step out of your comfort zone, perhaps you will also begin to realize that there’s something wrong with your social dynamics. You may stretch yourself too thin to accommodate those closest to you or tend to close yourself off. Experience tells us that there will always be high-maintenance and overbearing people within our circle of familiarity. An article by Eddins (2016) elaborates that when you start to notice yourself becoming too involved in other people’s lives, people-pleasing, overloading on work, staying in unhealthy relationships, or avoiding solitude, you might have loose boundaries. On the other hand, your boundaries might be too rigid if you feel you’re avoiding intimacy or having difficulty empathizing with other people.
The first step toward fixing your boundaries is connecting with your inner self; know your limits, feelings, and beliefs. Once you’ve recognized your true self, start adjusting your boundaries. If you’re always accommodating everyone before yourself, try saying “no.” Let people deal with their own lives for a change. You can listen or lend help sometimes, but don’t live your life for them.
There may be cases when they have something to say. We all are entitled to an opinion, and we need to be open to getting criticism. The best way to deal with this instance is to adopt a certain degree of maturity. Instead of taking their words to heart, accept the truths in their statements and leave the rest behind.
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The key to setting clear and effective boundaries— a balance between catering to other people’s needs and yours— is to be flexible. You don’t have to completely cut other people off. To maintain healthy boundaries, set some time for them and time for yourself.
Get used to independence.
Getting out of your comfort zone and setting clear boundaries for yourself are not just ways to defamiliarize yourself from your comfort zone. They can also help you get used to independence. Being on your own for the first time in a strange big city may feel great at first, but then you’ll have to start facing your responsibilities—the first being the responsibility to take care of yourself. If you’re living by yourself or staying in a dorm, sustenance is just one among many worries. But despite the fatigue and the constant feeling of confusion involved, figuring things out on your own is an immensely gratifying experience. Losing the training wheels that come with being surrounded by familiar people and places is one of the surreal experiences of adulthood. It feels scary and discouraging at first, which can happen when you walk into class where everyone except you already knows what to do. From my experience, the real world is kind of like that too. You walk into a bank to pay your bills for the first time, and people around you seem they already know what to do. You can either ask for help from the security guard or observe how the people around you go about their transactions. Other people will be there to guide you, but you’ll still have to figure out most things on your own. Don’t fear. Trial and error your way through each new experience. Once you get used to independence, you’ll find that life moves faster when you do not depend on other people to navigate for you.
Familiarity has its good and bad sides. When you feel like you’re running on auto-pilot most of the time and your day-to-day interactions seem like a replay of the pilot episode of a 90s sitcom, always know there is a way out. Start by gradually venturing out of your comfort zone. You don’t have to make big drastic changes that conflict with your personality. Take baby steps. Next, set clear and effective boundaries. Once you’ve established a balance between meeting your needs and catering to those of others, you’ll find that you have more clarity of mind. Lastly, get used to independence. Adulthood means doing most things by yourself, so you might as well get used to it now. Making a change can sometimes feel overwhelming, but we all have to go through it. The solution is to avoid overthinking. Be aware of all the things that could go wrong, but instead of dwelling on them, focus on all the positive things you could gain: experience, friendship, independence, and wisdom.
References:
Eddins, R. (2016, May 17). Keeping Good Boundaries & Getting Your Needs Met. Psych Central. Retrieved October 9, 2022, from https://psychcentral.com/…/keeping-good-boundaries…
Felder, M. (2021, August 10). Familiarity as a Practical Sense of Place. Sociological Theory, 39(3), 180–199. https://doi.org/10.1177/07352751211037724
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Banner photo by Vlada Karpovich.
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