We crave relationships
But we remain silent anyway
By Ayse Durakoglu
3rd Year Bachelor of Arts in Media and Entertainment Management Student
One morning, a man wakes up to find himself transformed into a monstrous insect. His first concern, though, is to get ready for work as a traveling salesman. The bizarre premise of The Metamorphosis continues to fascinate readers over many generations. What you may not know is that the renowned author, Franz Kafka, channeled much of his crippling self-doubt into his writing. Lying on his deathbed, he instructed his friend, Max Brod, to burn his unpublished manuscripts. Yes, the same man who poured his heart and soul into his work wished that his imperfect universe be wiped from existence. The Metamorphosis had already been published, but the manuscripts that would later take on the famous titles of “The Trial,” “The Castle,” and “Amerika” nearly disappeared with him.
While Max Brod’s defiance of Kafka’s wishes may have been unethical, it raises the question of why Kafka opposed publishing his work. He was doubtful. He was a perfectionist. He, like many of us, feared rejection–a fear that can evoke a visceral response and make self-expression feel threatening. So, what comes out of this fear? Oftentimes, silence and holding back our honest and most vulnerable parts. This same silence can create distance between people, preventing the vulnerability and honesty that meaningful relationships require. Kafka was underappreciated in his time, but that didn’t mean his writing was lacking. Rather, it showed how easily fear and social judgement can obscure talent.
A reason why individuals remain silent even when craving closeness is explained by Elisabeth Noelle-Neumann’s Spiral of Silence theory.1 She argues that the more an individual perceives their opinion as incongruent, the more likely they are to remain silent out of fear of social isolation. Whereas if the person notices their opinion gaining support, they will tend to speak out. Imagine sitting in a business meeting. You have a brilliant idea, but because a more respected colleague proposes a well-received pitch, you choose to swallow your words. In moments like these, silence is not due to a lack of ideas but rather to the fear that speaking honestly might cost a place in the group.
In this age of algorithms, the invisible pressure to conform has moved to our screens. We are unconsciously inclined to equate widespread approval with credibility, which in turn increases our tendency to engage with videos that have gained a million likes over those with only a few hundred. The opinions of viral creators appear more credible because they have already been validated by millions of individual feeds. Here lies the paradox: The human person possesses a biological and psychological need to belong to a community.2 Thus, they construct identities that others might find relatable. However, that true authenticity often requires vulnerability–the willingness to reveal one’s inner world. This desire to belong shapes behavior and encourages people to align themselves with the majority.
In psychology, this is referred to as social conformity,3 the process by which individuals adjust their behaviors, attitudes, or beliefs to align with a group’s expectations, whether that pressure is real or simply imagined. This stems from how people tie social acceptance to self-worth. Being liked becomes evidence of personal value, while rejection is proof of inadequacy.4 As a result, individuals blame themselves when interactions unfold unexpectedly. Suddenly,
A delayed reply feels personal.
A short conversation becomes a reason for someone’s apathy.
A lack of enthusiasm is interpreted as dislike.
Perhaps the harshest judge is not the crowd, but the audience we imagine watching us. Many of us walk through life as though a spotlight follows our every awkward pause or hesitant remark. This cognitive phenomenon is known as the spotlight effect.5 People tend to become ‘trapped’ within the richness of their own experiences, mistaking personal salience for public attention. Because our mistakes loom so large in our own minds, we assume they occupy a similar place in the minds of others. In reality, most people are too focused on their own lives to notice. This illusion distorts the way we interpret everyday interactions and leads to anticipated judgment, the expectation of being evaluated or criticized in social situations.
For this reason, we are simply told to “face our fears.” It is advice repeated by entrepreneurs, athletes, and countless successful individuals. The formula seems simple enough: if fear is holding you back, confront it. But if the solution is so straightforward, why does the thought of it feel so repulsive?
The answer partly lies in what rejection risks. Rejection imperils the carefully curated image we construct ourselves, placing it under the scrutiny of others and challenging how we wish to be seen. What if somebody sees you trying and calls it embarrassing? What if you succeed and people accuse you of being arrogant? What if you speak up and are proven wrong? These endless “what ifs” become barriers of self-doubt far more compelling than the rejection itself, turning action into anticipation and replacing expression with restraint.
It is difficult because rejection carries painful emotional consequences even after the moment passes. In a social experiment,6 researchers challenged participants to approach strangers and make unusual requests. Most participants expected to be rejected repeatedly. However, despite their doubts, the results revealed something surprising: people were far more willing to engage in conversation than they had expected. Although the fear of rejection is often greater than reality itself, its impact does not remain confined to individual moments of interaction.
The consequences unfold in what we gradually missed and left unformed in human connection. Constantly restraining one’s vulnerabilities will deprive others of the opportunity to truly know who that person is. Friends, family members, and romantic partners can only respond to what is outwardly expressed and can only approximate another person’s inner emotional experience. Hesitation feeds patterns of “masking” or “following the norm” which may hinder self-authenticity, and eventually compromise one’s identity. So it is only natural to feel misunderstood as a by-product of presenting oneself differently.
However, the act of “presenting oneself” opens conversation on what it truly entails. Are the interactions conclusive of who someone is? The statement “to define is to limit” reflects the idea that defining a person risks reducing a dynamic and evolving identity into fixed categories. Truth is, character is not fixed; it’s ever-evolving through lived experiences. However, when self-perception is overly controlled, individuals may drift away from both authenticity and the connections that grow out of it. Too much self-monitoring can be just as limiting as avoiding self-reflection altogether. Thus, in a space of sincerity, connections come to feel natural and create bonds with those whose presence feels familiar, reciprocal, and unforced.
What’s important is to be authentic in a way that makes sense to you. What may seem imperfect and lacking to us could serve as a source of connection with others. Today, The Metamorphosis continues to resonate with readers worldwide, demonstrating the depth of Kafka’s literary influence, which is further solidified through the Franz Kafka Prize, a prestigious international award presented to distinguished authors, showcasing the humanistic values associated with Kafka’s legacy. The very work he feared would invite judgment—containing the imperfect pieces of himself—became the reason he was understood. The aspects he associated with inadequacy and vulnerability have become central to how his work is understood today, creating this frame of emotional and philosophical resonance. In this sense, the qualities he sought to conceal are precisely those that sustain his enduring relevance now.
Ultimately, the paradox of belonging whilst fearing vulnerability prevents the connection people desire. When individuals conceal parts of themselves to avoid rejection, they may attain surface-level acceptance, but true belonging remains out of reach. Silence becomes both a protective mechanism and a source of isolation because the human person possesses an innate need to belong to a community and form meaningful relationships, which depend on both finding the right people and having the courage to let them into one’s world–the inner self. Our authenticity is our power. Hence, embracing authenticity becomes a necessary step to form connections.
EBSCO. “Spiral of Silence | Social Sciences and Humanities | Research Starters | EBSCO Research,” n.d. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/social-sciences-and-humanities/spiral-silence.
Pardede and Kovač, “Distinguishing the Need to Belong and Sense of Belongingness: The Relation Between Need to Belong and Personal Appraisals Under Two Different Belongingness–Conditions.”
Kumar, “Understanding Social Conformity: Influences and Impacts on Individual Behavior &Bull; Psychology Town,” March 3, 2026.
Anthony, Holmes, and Wood, “Social Acceptance and Self-Esteem: Tuning the Sociometer to Interpersonal Value.”
Gilovich, Medvec, and Savitsky, “The Spotlight Effect in Social Judgment: An Egocentric Bias in Estimates of the Salience of One’s Own Actions and Appearance.”
Sandstrom, Boothby, and Cooney, “Talking to Strangers: A Week-Long Intervention Reduces Psychological Barriers to Social Connection.”
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